When he told me that his life hadn’t turned out how he wanted and our marriage wasn’t what he wanted I died a little bit inside. After the shock wore off, I lowered myself and I begged and pleaded and cried and then I tried. And he tried. And we worked to love each other and I lay on top of him and tried to push hard to get as close to him as I could but there was something blocking the way. It was never going to work. No matter how badly I wanted it to work it never would because there was too much wrong lurking beneath the surface.
We went back and forth and finally I took control and I kicked him out of the house. He came back but it was all wrong and then one day it all imploded and I had to put a stop to it. I wasn’t brave. I was terrified and I was up against the wall and there was no other way out and I had no choice. You can try to make things work but not if they’re untenable. You can’t force and you can’t forget and you can’t forgive and you can’t turn a blind eye, no matter how badly you want to.
The hardest decision I ever had to make was to end my marriage.
My heart is like a bomb site. I can’t sleep and when I do it’s fitful and never enough, and when I wake I can’t remember why he isn’t there anymore. I can’t concentrate and I don’t want to be anywhere but I don’t want to be alone either. Food has turned to sawdust and the only relief I get is when I’m punching a boxing bag with the fury of a scorned woman burning up my heart.
I feel betrayed by my honest, open soul. I gave too much and it was all taken for granted and then crumpled up and thrown in the garbage.
Do I hate him? No. I refuse to hate him because hate will poison my soul and make it dark and black and I don’t want to be that person.
Do I love him? Yes. Is that weird? I still love him. I pine for him and I hunger for his kiss and his touch and if I could get amnesia and forget everything that has happened and wake up with him be lying next to me, I would take him back in a second.
Where does it all leave me?
Nowhere I want to be, that’s for sure.
I’m a 47-year-old woman with serious trust issues who hasn’t been on a date since before anyone heard of the Internet. It leaves me standing alone for the first time in my life, devastated and completely broken. I’ve never lived alone. I went from my parents’ house to his. I don’t know how to program a remote and I don’t change lightbulbs and when there are weird noises, I’m going to have to investigate them myself.
I’ve never been to a movie or a restaurant alone. I’m half of a couple and that is all I’ve ever wanted to be. Except I’m not anymore.
The thought of dating makes me panic. I don’t want to be by myself forever but I also don’t know how I can be vulnerable and believe in someone again. That is, if I even knew how to date, which I don’t. I’m shy and flirting is not my super-power. When a good looking man glances my way, I look away.
I’m not interested in swiping left or hooking up or dick pics. I don’t want to speed date or stand at a bar waiting to be noticed. I don’t want to wear makeup to the gym or get a Brazilian wax. I don’t want to be chased by 20-somethings who think older women hold the secrets to the universe (well, we do, but that’s neither here nor there). I don’t want to weed through hundreds of creeps and scuzzbags and liars and weirdos for the one decent man who deserves my heart.
I don’t want any of this. I want what I had just a few short days ago. I want to wake up and have it all be a dream.
My marriage is over and I don’t know what to do next except wake up tomorrow and deal with it.