Chew on this one: If men are animals, then women are animals, too. Right?
Despite what we think we know about sex and how men and women get down in the bedroom, science shows us we have a lot to learn. That’s why we were glued to the newest documentary about the science of sex. It’s called Decoding Desire and it reveals some pretty surprising scientific discoveries about women and sex. Whether exploring the brain chemistry of love and monogamy, the decreasing differences between men and women or the surprising truth behind what turns us on and why, this film will challenge everything you thought you knew about sex and desire and leave you looking at men and women in a whole new way.
Did you know that…
Females animals are almost always the sexual aggressors?
Who we are attracted to might be a “learned response”?
Humans are not biologically genetically monogamous?
Decoding Desire reveals these and many more facts about human sexuality you need to boost your sex life.
Not sure if it’s for you? Watch the trailer here.
While you’re getting your education, keep this in mind: Female rats do not live in a culture of “slut-shaming” so they just go for it when they want it and if the male is not ready or not performing well, they simply go to someone else. Female sexuality is extremely powerful. Respect it and immerse yourself in it, and you will be satisfied beyond your wildest dreams.
Need help understanding your sexuality and getting your partner onside? Read on for 5 ways we women get sexual, courtesy of Jim Pfaus, Department of Psychology at Concordia University, whose work is featured in Decoding Desire.
5 WAYS WOMEN GET SEXUAL
1. WE GET CONTROLLING.
Men may be sexual aggressors in many cultures, but in the animal world, roles are reversed. Males don’t stand a chance at getting anywhere sexual unless the females “let” them. In virtually every case where the sex differentiation is male and female (except perhaps, ours) females take the lead in expressing sexual interest and receptivity and the males follow this lead as far as the females let them. Even in Japanese macaques, for example, where females form long-term lesbian consortships during the breeding season, one or both of the females will signal interest to a male and then set up a situation in which the male has to fight one female for access to the other. Males that take the bait rarely are chosen by either female. The ones that don’t take the bait, but rather go find food for both females (usually the post adolescent unranked males) get to have both. Lessons to be learned all around!
2. WE SHOW SIGNS.
Women express interest in myriad ways depending on culture and experience. Some behaviours are subtle and universal, like glances, hair flicks, and inadvertent touching of the lips. Some, like dilated pupils, are expressions of the increased sympathetic tone in a flirtatious situation. Flirtation itself is a good indication of spontaneous and receptive desire. Interest in sex is further expressed by how close she lets you into her world, how physically close she gets to you, how long she stares into your eyes, and by certain “synchronous” behaviours that reflect the activation of the brain’s mirror neurons, such as meeting a smile with a smile, or touching the stem of a wine glass. Behaviours become more and more synchronous as the two move closer and closer, finally erupting in that first kiss or touch of the fingers. And closer still until the kiss evolves into clothes coming off and erotic touch, leading to the most synchronous thing two humans can do, which is have sex (synchronized swimming notwithstanding!).
3. WE LIKE SURPRISE.
Probably the biggest turn on for women is to be the centre of the universe of someone they are interested in. Men often forget to give time to listen to what she says, ask about her life or engage in her interests. Other biggies are spontaneity, doing the unexpected, and being an open and happy person with a separate life to live. The last thing women want is a “cling-on” especially if he does nothing but talk about himself incessantly. Being independent and knowing how to take care of himself — cooking and cleaning, Sir? — is a definite turn-on for women. What about sexually? I think women like to be figured out, which is impossible for an egomaniac who believes that his pleasure somehow means that she got off, too. Discovering who she is, how she likes to be touched, letting her dictate positions, these are things that seem almost like rocket science to many men, especially those who think they should always direct the action. Instead, men should take part in helping her discover her own erogenous and sexual zones and take the lead by doing the unexpected. How about bringing a blindfold and drizzling ice cube melt onto different erogenous parts of her on the hottest day of the summer… followed up by licking each droplet sensually? Sometimes women want to be sensitized while other times, they don’t need foreplay. Leave the male ego at the door and discover her.
4. WE’RE HERE TO PLAY.
Pleasure is multifaceted. It is an end in itself, but it is not always about orgasm. Sometimes it is about arousal and holding the “plateau” part of Masters and Johnson’s human sexual response cycle out for an extended period. Sometimes it is about getting to know each other’s erotic parts or desires. The key here is to explore the many pleasures, not only one. Men have their own learning to do, and not only about her. We know our penises really well, but many of us are out of touch with our other erogenous zones. It is like we have to be the quarterback all the time, but not the wide receiver. There are a million pleasures to choose from in sex. Why limit it to only one, and one done the same way over and over? Why relegate sex to this boring fate? People discover intense pleasure in role playing, in doing different things, in different places. Exploring her fantasies can be one of the biggest turn-ons for her partner, and being heard is one of hers as well. Being turned on itself is a pleasure of sex, one that can lead to those million other pleasures just waiting for you.
5. WE WANT TO WANT.
One of the clearest scientific findings is that females like to control the initiation and rate of sexual interaction with males. In fact, when they are in situations without control, they do not show that they enjoy having sex. So why not use that toward pleasure? We know that one of the most excitatory neurochemical systems for sex is dopamine. So why not ramp up her dopamine by making her want you? Or by doing the unexpected, or by putting it on the line with a role play? We know that bonding occurs, even in allegedly promiscuous species, and this is driven by both opioid reward and dopaminergic attention to the cues that predict the reward. And some of those cues are you, partner-related features that let her know that it is you. Getting up and leaving immediately after pleasure — either to shower or get home — is a great way to avoid bonding. It is in the cuddling afterward that the most wonderful of the addictions — love — evolves through the sensitization of those bonding mechanisms. The idea, even in rats, is not to do the same thing over and over, to be sensitive to your partner’s sexual needs, and to let your real feelings take their own course. All of this requires multiple pairings for the two to truly understand each other and engage sexually in that most Zen of ways.