Are you scrambling around there on the dating scene trying to figure out men? We feel you and we feel for you. These days, with women flocking to sites devoted to deciphering anything from a man’s texts to his grunts, this much is clear: we women just want to understand men. When we’re dating, there are so many questions: Hmmmm, what does he mean exactly? Is he for real here or just selling me a line? WTF???

There are guys who are just ghosting all the time. And guys who are spending all their time doing the breadcrumbing thing. So how do we find a guy who’s honest through and through? What does it take?

Date Night: 5 Ways You Know He's Just in it for the SexThis relationship coach can’t speak for all men, but being one, he knows a thing—or at least five, anyway—about how the male mind works. And he’s willing to break that bro code and share with us. So here are his dating tips, straight from the source, for deciphering what men really mean when they talk or text or email or just sit quietly beside us with that faraway look?

Read these and then tell us if he is what you think he is—or if he’s, well, just another dude in it for the sex.


 1.  Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Whether it’s coming from your lover, a guy you’re dating, or some dude you just met, pay attention more to what he does than to what he says. If his response to your texts about hanging out are Work has been crazy! or This week isn’t good and he doesn’t make the effort to actually see you, he’s not interested enough. The end. Of course, this theory goes the other way too. If you get a one-time blow-off and 99.9 percent of the time the guy comes through, don’t be a psycho. Give him the benefit of the doubt—his actions trump his words.

 2.  The Most Simple Explanation Is Usually the Correct One

If he doesn’t answer his phone and says he was on the other line with his mom, or if his texts are delayed and he attributes this to his phone charging in another room, don’t judge so fast. These are often excuses that women don’t buy (girlfriends have told me this, so no pointing fingers), but most of the time, he really was talking to his mom. His phone really was charging. It’s more likely that the reason he gives is the truth, and the excuse isn’t some crazy thing you invent, like: he was on the phone with his pen pal lover in Brazil, planning a visit to see her, smuggle drugs, and tend to his ten illegitimate children. Also, if he says he’s sorry? He probably actually means it.

 3.  Quality Over Quantity. Obviously.

Women tend to think that if they send a message or talk a ton and the guy’s answer doesn’t match theirs word for word in length, he doesn’t care—or worse, you care too much. But the truth is, our responses can be genuine, and we can be on the same page, without mirroring what you say or write. And, especially with a guy you’ve just met, he may say less on purpose, so as not to show neediness or seem overeager. So keep that in mind too.

 4.  The Fifth Amendment. Listen up, ladies.

If you ask a guy a specific question, he will answer that exact question and only that question. If you want a guy to read between the lines and expand, keep dreaming. We may not want you to know this, but we will do very little to incriminate ourselves—ever—and we don’t really consider omitting facts to be lying. So if you ask a guy if he’s with his friends at a bar and his friends are, in fact, at the bar with him, he’ll say yes. But he won’t then also mention that some women just happened to drop by, too.

5.  Almost Everything Has to Do with Sex. Okay, Everything Has to Do with Sex

Chris Rock once said, Every time a man’s being nice to you, all he’s doing is offering dick. If you’re out and a guy is talking to you, giving you compliments, being nice to your friends, telling you he knows someone who can help you with your career, guess what? He wants to have sex with you. And he’s trying to have sex with you. So anytime you’re thinking, Oh, what a nice gentleman, think again. You’re being offered some dick.

Todd Valentine is an internationally renowned pick-up artist and relationship coach for men – but he’ll help women, too. Check him out at



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