The sexiest thing I ever said to a woman—based on her immediate response—came out of my mouth without even waving at my brain as it went by. (More on that scenario later.) One big lesson in the language of love then is: Don’t overthink it.
Great lovemaking is based on the same premise as great communication. You can have the best idea ever (red wine in an edible, dark chocolate bottle?) but if you can’t communicate it in a way the other person can understand, you’ll both end up unfulfilled. So, straight from the mouth of a man, here are three communication tips to help a brazen woman close the deal with a guy she likes.
Tip 1: Smart, unique and funny is hot. Bat-shit crazy, not so much.
The line between the two can be fuzzy. How do you know whether you come off as Katharine Hepburn in Philadelphia Story or Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? First, don’t believe your girlfriends. They love you and think you are the greatest. How many times have you heard a woman say: “I don’t understand why Jane can’t get a guy. She’s so gorgeous and fantastic.” Guys know Jane is a pill.
Are you funny? How many guys volley bonne mots with you on Facebook? Have you ever made someone pass a cheese sandwich through their nose? Those are good indicators. Also, Lorena Bobbitt jokes are never funny. I’m just reporting the facts here.
Tip 2: Having stories to tell is good. Sharing your five-volume autobiography, not so much.
You are a woman who has lived a little. Share your funny stories. But avoid the temptation to recount every douchey thing every guy has ever done to you. Sounds more like the language of pre-nup than the language of love. Your friends will tell you a good relationship means sharing everything. That’s a myth propagated by dating websites and divorce lawyers.
Men like a woman with a little mystery. Not so much mystery that he thinks you are on a work-release program, nor so little that he knows the details of your hemorrhoid surgery.
Tip 3: Sharing how you’re feeling in bed is appreciated. Giving step-by-step instructions from your own personal sex manual, not so much.
According British researchers, the most beautiful sound in the world is a two-minute recording of singing frogs at a Malaysian pond at dusk. Bollocks. (The British are silly. They have words like bollocks.)
Ask any non-British man and he will tell you the most beautiful sound to his ears is his partner’s orgasm. Not bad porn orgasms, which often sound like constipated rowers sprinting for the finish line. But real, human vocalizations – verbal or non – that tell him he is doing the right thing. You know, very few of us have any natural ability at this stuff, but if you’re a good communicator you can coach us. Win-win.
Just don’t give too much detailed direction. Yes, the experts all say to tell him exactly what you want. They are stupid. The moment you use words like labia or vulva in a non-ironic way, the moment a guy has to start mentally processing schematic diagrams, his…focus will wane.
And don’t give confusing feedback, like: “Oh God, oh no.” Nobody wants to hear “Oh no” while making love. That creates cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a major driver of Viagra sales.
And those magical words I referred to in the opening sentence? Brilliant communication from a man (who was, it turned out, a budding communication professional)? Here’s what happened.
I was on a third date with a co-worker who by then probably assumed I was gay because why else in the 1980s would a 20-something guy not have hit on her. (That was when sex was the only social media platform.) She had invited me to pub night with her pals, assuming we were destined for the friend zone. But I was smitten, head buzzing with lust. I tried to bandy conversation in the group but I was lost.
After barely a half hour, I leaned into her ear and said: I want you so badly I can’t understand a word anyone is saying. I had never said anything like that to anyone in my life and couldn’t believe I just did. Work was going to be awkward the next day. She grabbed my hand, stood up and announced: I’m not feeling well. I’ve got to head home. Good night. We made it as far as the car.
Communicate to meet the receiver’s needs. And sometimes, you just get lucky.
