When he told me that his life hadn’t turned out how he wanted and our marriage wasn’t what he wanted I died a little bit inside. After the shock wore off, I lowered myself and I begged and pleaded and cried and then I tried. And he tried. And we worked to love each other and I lay on top of him and tried to push hard to get as close to him as I could but there was something blocking the way. It was never going to work. No matter how badly I wanted it to work it never would because there was too much wrong lurking beneath the surface.

We went back and forth and finally I took control and I kicked him out of the house. He came back but it was all wrong and then one day it all imploded and I had to put a stop to it. I wasn’t brave. I was terrified and I was up against the wall and there was no other way out and I had no choice. You can try to make things work but not if they’re untenable. You can’t force and you can’t forget and you can’t forgive and you can’t turn a blind eye, no matter how badly you want to.

The hardest decision I ever had to make was to end my marriage.

My heart is like a bomb site. I can’t sleep and when I do it’s fitful and never enough, and when I wake I can’t remember why he isn’t there anymore. I can’t concentrate and I don’t want to be anywhere but I don’t want to be alone either. Food has turned to sawdust and the only relief I get is when I’m punching a boxing bag with the fury of a scorned woman burning up my heart.

SUDDENLY SINGLE-What Happened When My Marriage Ended

I feel betrayed by my honest, open soul. I gave too much and it was all taken for granted and then crumpled up and thrown in the garbage.

Do I hate him? No. I refuse to hate him because hate will poison my soul and make it dark and black and I don’t want to be that person.

Do I love him? Yes. Is that weird? I still love him. I pine for him and I hunger for his kiss and his touch and if I could get amnesia and forget everything that has happened and wake up with him be lying next to me, I would take him back in a second.

Where does it all leave me?

Nowhere I want to be, that’s for sure.

I’m a 47-year-old woman with serious trust issues who hasn’t been on a date since before anyone heard of the Internet. It leaves me standing alone for the first time in my life, devastated and completely broken. I’ve never lived alone. I went from my parents’ house to his. I don’t know how to program a remote and I don’t change lightbulbs and when there are weird noises, I’m going to have to investigate them myself.

I’ve never been to a movie or a restaurant alone. I’m half of a couple and that is all I’ve ever wanted to be. Except I’m not anymore.

The thought of dating makes me panic. I don’t want to be by myself forever but I also don’t know how I can be vulnerable and believe in someone again. That is, if I even knew how to date, which I don’t. I’m shy and flirting is not my super-power. When a good looking man glances my way, I look away.

I’m not interested in swiping left or hooking up or dick pics. I don’t want to speed date or stand at a bar waiting to be noticed. I don’t want to wear makeup to the gym or get a Brazilian wax. I don’t want to be chased by 20-somethings who think older women hold the secrets to the universe (well, we do, but that’s neither here nor there). I don’t want to weed through hundreds of creeps and scuzzbags and liars and weirdos for the one decent man who deserves my heart.

I don’t want any of this. I want what I had just a few short days ago. I want to wake up and have it all be a dream.

My marriage is over and I don’t know what to do next except wake up tomorrow and deal with it.

 

 

 

About the author

Mara Shapiro

Mara Shapiro is Co-Editor, Community of BrazenWoman. She is proof that it's never too late to reinvent yourself, and also that you cannot have too many pairs of shoes and lipglosses. A Social Media addict, Community Manager, and insatiable lover of movie popcorn, Mara is always on the hunt for the next best thing. You'll often find her laughing and dancing, phone in one hand, and a glass of red in the other. The only time she's not talking is when she's sleeping.

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