How long has it been since you had sex? And more importantly, what are you gonna do about it? If your sex life is dwindling, there’s a reason, says social worker and author Resmaa Menakem. And it isn’t pathological or a personal defect. It’s just that limitations in the relationship are showing up. And true intimacy is only possible when we challenge them. So when something needs to change, that’s precisely when transformation becomes possible.
The problem? It’s easy to live by silent understandings that limit us: I go out with my friends, you go out with your friends, we pay the bills, we take care of family obligations. Don’t mess with me about what I do to blow off steam and I won’t mess with you about no sex.
When partners back off from each other and retreat to separate corners, the relationship can’t grow. The fact is, so many committed couples stop having sex now and then—not all at once, but on and off. And if you know why it’s happening, you can address it.
So here they are: The 8 reasons the passion is dwindling in your relationship. Sound familiar?
8 REASONS WHY YOU’RE NOT HAVING ENOUGH SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1. One of you has been calling all the shots, either sexually or in general. When one person routinely dominates the other or insists on getting their way, there’s no room for the dominated partner to be fully present during sex—or in any aspect of the partnership. The two people don’t have a loving relationship; they have a military dictatorship. Eventually the sex will end—and there may also be a revolution.
2. At least one of you treats the other as a mere object for sexual release. People want to be wanted and appreciated for who they are, sexually and otherwise. If one partner simply reaches for the other when they’re horny, in the same way they’d reach for a cigarette or a bottle of milk, the other partner may lose interest in sex. They’re also going to lose trust and respect for their mate.
3. One lover often disappears emotionally by dissociating during sex. In any partnership, both people need to show up for themselves and each other. When one partner mentally and emotionally goes away during sex, over time their partner feels like they’re having sex with somebody who isn’t there. And they’re right. As a result, eventually, they lose interest in sex with their partner. They also lose trust in their partner, who isn’t willing or able to push past their own limitations and grow.
4. One or both of you stopped sending each other sexual signals. This is especially common among partners who have been together for many years. Instead of regularly sending signals of micro-affection, regard, and sexual appreciation for one another, they treat sex as common. As a result, sex eventually becomes ordinary and unexciting—and then fades.
Next page: Sex Has Become a Business Deal