The hotly anticipated adaptation of the first book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is killing at the box office. In fact, we’ve heard the words World Domination bandied about. Then there are the film critics. They live in opposite land. According to the experts, we should hightail it in the opposite direction. They’re using phrases like less than satisfying, disappointing, banal, its own form of torture, and our personal favourite, courtesy of Rafer Guzman at Newsday, cold as a fish and almost as dumb.
Which begs the question: Should you go see it (if you haven’t already)? And our answer is YES! If you want to, that is. We did. And we liked it. In fact, all the cool kids are doing it. Some of the smartest people we know are proudly riding the Fifty train.
Sure, there are gaps in the movie. While Dakota Johnson was a revelation as Anastasia Steele, it’s no secret that Jamie Dornan may not have been the best choice for Christian Grey. He’s not intense or commanding enough and while he may have been selling horny with the whole I want to F*ck you till next Thursday, we weren’t buying. The chemistry between Dornan and the evanescent Johnson is intermittent, as is the incongruous appearance of our man’s Irish lilt. The sex scenes are too few and far between and more stylized and vanilla than Anastasia’s deflowering. And the general consensus is that nobody should ever say Laters, Baby out loud. Ever.
Still, there’s no mistaking the simple fact that Fifty Shades of Grey is not nearly as bad as you thought it might be. Which in our mind is reason enough to go. But if you need more, we’ve got it. Times 50.
Here are 50 reasons why you should still see Fifty Shades of Grey even though the critics say it’s bad. 1. It’s a fun girls night out.
2. It’s a fun couples night out.
3. It’s fun to just get out.
4. Movie popcorn with butter.
5. You can eat buttered popcorn and watch people have simulated sex with a whole bunch of other people eating buttered popcorn and watching people have simulated sex.
6. You can drop your pretensions and intellect at the door.
7. You can satisfy your curiosity.
8. You see Anastasia use a flip phone, but not ironically.
9. Jamie Dornan’s butt.
10. Jamie Dornan whipping off his shirt.
11. Jamie Dornan’s abs.
12. Jamie Dornan biting toast.
13. Jamie Dornan trying to seem threatening.
14. The Elevator Kiss.
15. Jamie Dornan simulating sex. Boy knows how to pump.
16. Dakota Johnson’s body. Oh, so that’s what toned looks like.
17. Dakota Johnson’s nipples. Up close. So very close.
18. Dakota Johnson’s come face. We’ll have what she’s having.
19. Dakota Johnson’s masterful lip biting.
20. The lack of chemistry. So you don’t have to worry about getting turned on in public. Roadblock eliminated.
21. Pubes. Girl pubes. Boy pubes. All the pubes everywhere. Pubic hair is back in style. Bye bye brazilians. YES!
22. Hair braids made sexy not Heidi.
23. The helicopter.
24. The eroticism of seatbelts.
25. Negotiating in twilight.
26. Masterful come hither looks. Including licking-a-pencil-like-it’s-something-else 101.
27. A closet to add to your dreamboard.
28. Dakota Johnson. You can say you saw her when. This girl’s star is rising.
29. Hearing Anastasia ask Christian if his playroom is where he keeps his Xbox.
30. The Red Room of Pain, a place where the toys are way better than any XBox.
31. Finding out what all the toys are for.
32. Deciding if red is a decor colour you’re partial to.
33. Learning what a butt plug is.
34. Giggling when Anastasia says anal fisting and vaginal fisting within 20 seconds of each other.
35. The drunk dial. Best 2 minutes of our lives.
36. The soundtrack. We’re never having sex again unless it’s to Beyonce.
37. Seattle. Coffee mecca.
38. Seeing your fantasy of an empty email box come true.
39. The cinematography. It’s heavenly.
40. It’s way better than the remake of Footloose and less of a disappointment than that bait-and-switch Magic Mike.
41. The clothes. There’s a man in a suit, and then there’s a man in a suit with a grey tie.
42. Confirmation that riding in a glider is the stuff nightmares are made of.
43. Dreaming of being driven around by the hot chauffeur.
44. Luke Grimes and wishing you could be that couch.
45. All the man Vs and low-cut faded jeans
46. The omitted tampon scene (thank you, script gods)
47. The omission of any references to inner goddesses and subconsciouses.
48. The contract negotiation scene.
49. The end.
50. Because why not.
And Bonus: Validation that wine and sushi make an excellent snack.
Have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey? Are you going to? Or are you taking a pass. What’s YOUR reason?