Sexual harassment is everywhere these days, and if you aren’t looking in the mirror and asking yourself why, then you should be. The first thing you should know, fellow females, is that sexual harassment is 100% your own fault. As a woman, your magical powers of sorcery must be self-managed should you decide to enter the world of business. This is part of our duty as working women. We must get paid 80% on the dollar, make and raise children, and keep ourselves out of harassment’s way, in addition to keeping a nice clean home and fresh food on the table.
So if you find yourself struggling to balance building your career while being female, don’t stress! Here are three easy steps to help you stay on track at work.
3 Steps to Avoiding Sexual Harassment
Step 1: Ruin your own self-confidence by dressing and acting like a box troll.
The most important part of sexual harassment culture is to understand that you must minimize your own sexual presence as much as humanly possible. This is a man’s world. When they aren’t out golfing, they’re in grabbing. If you don’t want to sign up for this social norm, it’s time for you to start gaining some serious weight, Working Woman. Make yourself as unattractive as possible in every single way possible. Yes, heart disease is a likely byproduct. Your obesity is a small price to pay for not getting physically assaulted. Men shouldn’t have to bother learning to be adults. Women should learn to ruin our bodies for a decent paycheck and safe workplace.
Step 2: Keep your head down and ask for nothing.
The easiest way to get sexually harassed is to be noticed by anyone. So do yourself a favor and keep your head down. You should literally make people wonder if you are even at the office, or just some magical ghost who turns in projects in a timely manner. Make sure you make no eye contact whatsoever—with anyone. And repeat after me: under no circumstances are you to ever ask for a raise or a promotion.
Step 3: Know that whatever you do, you didn’t earn it.
Get off your high horse already. It doesn’t matter if you graduated Cum Laude from Harvard. What matters is you got where you are because you have a nice ass and a beyond average rack. Remember this. Don’t let anyone tell you that you earned anything. Put yourself down, so people who are jealous of you don’t have to.
It’s important to recognize both overt, and subversive types of sexual harassment in the workplace, so that women can understand, and prevent, men from having to deal with our problems. Having great credentials, skills and character shouldn’t matter in corporate America. What matters is keeping men in the executive suite, which means we have to ban together to keep them from harassing us ladies.
It is, after all, the year of the woman.
Jessica Higgins, JD MBA BB is a public speaker, strategist and published author. She is Chief Operating Officer of Gapingvoid Culture Design Group. Her mission is to help others.