Now that Valentine’s Day has come and gone, some women are still on a high, and others are down in the dumps. And it’s no wonder. February 14 is that one day in the year that pretty much holds a magnifying glass up to your relationship. Whether you want to look closely at what’s going on or not is your business, but if you do, here’s a new book that just hit shelves today. It’s called Why Married Couples Don’t Have Sex…At Least Not With Each Other!
Yep, the title got us thinking. Maybe it’s time to listen to author Sara Dimerman, who found herself becoming an expert on infidelity. At the very least, you may want to consider the red flags or warning signs that your man just may not be faithful.
Keep in mind that in the book, infidelity is defined as any sexual or intimate act that is performed behind your partner’s back. So, if he’s flirting or having lunch with a female co-worker and then lying about it at home, this is infidelity. If he’s chatting with someone on a porn site, or has set up a profile on a dating site without your knowledge, this is infidelity. If he’s reconnected with an old flame on Facebook but is hiding this fact from you, this is infidelity. If he visits a massage parlour (or holistic spa, as they are sometimes called) and finishes his session with a happy ending, or pays for a lap dance at a strip club, this is infidelity.
According to Sara, “All of these acts—which involve intimate engagement with others—constitute a violation of the implied or explicit rules of your monogamous relationship.” Under this wide umbrella, is there a chance your man may have been or is currently being unfaithful?
10 SIGNS YOUR MAN MAY BE CHEATING
1. HE’S DRESSING TO IMPRESS
At the risk of stating the obvious, if he suddenly begins making more of an effort regarding personal hygiene or dressing to impress before leaving the house, he may be enjoying the attention he’s getting from someone away from home—a co worker, perhaps. Maybe he’s wearing cologne for the first time in a long time or commenting on how he doesn’t like how gray his hair is becoming or even plucking his nasal hairs, these are grounds for suspicion.
2. HE’S HIDING SOMETHING
One of the most common signs is when your man becomes more secretive. This is often seen in the way that he protects his technological gadgets. Perhaps he has password protected his phone and justifies not sharing it with you because it has top secret information related to his workplace. Perhaps he says that he wants a little bit of privacy and may ask “can’t you give a guy a break?” Well, no! I’m not a fan of couples keeping passwords from one another. If you can share bodily fluids with one another, you sure as heck should be able to share special codes.
3. HIS MOOD HAS SWUNG
If his mood has changed—for better or worse—and there’s no apparent reason for this, you may wonder what else is going on. If he’s in a more jovial mood, whistling as he works, a renewed spring in his step and even being more playful with you, this may be a sign that he’s getting pumped up and you’re the recipient of his improved mood. If his mood has gotten worse, then he may be feeling guilt, remorse or confusion about what he’s up to behind your back, and feeling generally out of sorts. Just a word of caution though: even if there’s no apparent reason for the change, he may be hiding something other than infidelity so try to get to the root cause before considering this as a possible reason for the change.
4. HE LEAVES CLUES
Because men are typically not as careful as women, they often unintentionally leave hard evidence in not so hard to find places—such as pant pockets, glove compartments of cars or bedside tables. So, if you find a receipt for an item you never received or dinner that includes two glasses of wine and dessert at a time that he was supposed to be at a hockey game with a friend, this is certainly a red flag. Of course, it’s an even bigger tip off if you find condoms in his briefcase!
5. HE’S MISSING IN ACTION
If he becomes harder to reach at times that he was typically available to take your calls, then he may purposely be avoiding you. And if he does answer, perhaps you hear background noise or talk that is suspicious or unusual.
6. HE’S SOMEHOW CHANGED
If there’s a niggling voice inside your head that says that things just seem off, or that he’s behaving in a way that is out of character, then trust your intuition. After living with a man for many years, a woman is typically very tuned into very fine nuances and mannerisms and can tell when her man is just “different.” Of course, in our desire to believe that everything is alright, it’s normal to trust him when he says that whatever you’re thinking is a fabric of your imagination. However, if the niggling thought continues, then trust your gut and take measures to investigate further if you feel that you haven’t gotten the truth.
7. HIS PATTERNS ARE NEW
If he’s working harder than usual on the odd occasion, there’s no reason to suspect that he’s not being honest. However, if his work patterns change and he’s suddenly taking work trips often, then this may be his escape route to other pastures.
8. HE’S DIFFERENT IN BED
If he goes to bed earlier than you on a regular basis to avoid intimacy (and this is not typical), or if he begins “performing” differently in bed (often with greater experimentation) and you haven’t talked about spicing things up of late, these may be signs that you’re not the only one he’s engaging in physical intimacy with.
9. HE’S GOT NEW FRIENDS
If he gets calls to his phone or your common line from numbers you don’t recognize or if you hear an unfamiliar voice when you return the call, this too may be a sign.
10. HE’S NOT ALL IN
If you’re going through a rough patch and feel that help from a professional may be in order, a sign that he may be involved with someone else may be when he says that he will work towards making things better between you when he’s in the therapist’s office, but then does nothing. If he has someone else waiting in the wings, then what’s the motivation to make things better between you and him? Of course, this is not the only reason that change does not occur, but it may be one reason why it doesn’t.
Sara Dimerman is a psychologist in the Toronto area who has counselled couples for more than 25 years. She is the author of four books, the most recent of which is titled Why Married Couples Don’t have Sex…At Least Not With Each Other! It contains everything you need to know to keep yourself and your relationship on track. Follow her on Twitter, too.