Hey! Crop tops are back and I, for one, am celebrating. I love walking around in stylish clothes that make me feel joyously young and coolly vintage all at the same time. Shredded jeans are in? Punk rock days rock! Braids are back? Laura Ingalls, sweet.
OK, time for a reality kick in the VPL (visible panty lines).
Beauty may be subjective but here’s a fact: Some styles should not touch your body once it hits a certain age. High school is over, people. In fact, I’m pretty sure styles have an expiration date, at which point their shelf (or closet) life ends and they need to retire. A little fuzzy on when that is exactly? That’s what we’re here for.
In case you’re out there channeling your inner child too much for anyone’s good, and no one else will tell you, you can count on us. Read on for 10 styles that expire. Recognize yourself?
10 FASHION TRENDS WOMEN OVER 40 ARE TOO OLD TO WEAR
1. Butt-Peekaboo Shorts
Expiration Date: Age 30
You were born with great legs and it’s your right to flaunt them. But if we can see even a hint of your butt cheeks down there, you’ve taken the word SHORT wayyy too far.
2. Knee Socks
Expiration Date: Age 23
When school’s out, so’s the school-girl look. The test: If your socks reach more than an inch above your ankles, you’ve hit knee sock territory. You may even be a candidate for Fame with a teenage leg warmers look. Eeeeek.
3. Acid Wash Anything
Expiration Date: Age 20
Nothing screams 80s—that hell pit of fashion—louder than acid wash denim (yeah, yeah, huge shoulder pads come close). If you’ve got acid wash anything anywhere near your skin (and you’re not wearing it because it’s retro) then you need to run. Fast.
4. Hillbilly Braids
Expiration Date: Age 25
But braids are so pretty! They’re so feminine, so romantic! Listen, if you’re spending your mornings braiding your hair, you’ve got too much time on your hands.
5. Visible Panty Lines (VPL)
Expiration Date: Age 11
VPL is not a good look for anyone who has graduated from primary school. Want to show off the best of what you’ve got? Do the world a favour and please, please wear a thong. Or better yet, go commando. We won’t tell.
6. Too-Cropped Tops
Expiration Date: Age 35
The new crop tops show just a flash of flesh. If, on the other hand, you’re taking a trip back to the 70s in your tube top (sans bra, baby), you’re confused about the trend. And maybe also the the state of your midsection.
Expiration Date: Age 5
No one should be able to picture you wielding a hammer. Even if you are.
8. Micro Minis
Expiration Date: Age 28
Micro skirt means macro skin. Besides, those girls are trained in how to pick stuff up off the ground without flashing their scanties. We are not. And nobody needs to see that.
9. Nude Coloured Leggings
Expiration Date: Age 1
We can’t even believe this is a thing but apparently it is. If you’re too young to walk or talk yet and therefore can’t fight for yourself, we forgive you.
10. Anything That Causes Spillover
Expiration Date: Ageless
If anything you are wearing – bra, low rise jeans, tube dress – makes you look and feel like toothpaste being squeezed out the top, it is TOO TIGHT. Size is just a number. Move on up, or even better, try a different style that’s for your body type. The end.